Trauma – when the soldier walked across the field and stepped on a landmine and lost her leg, that was a traumatic event.
When Somebody’s husband undressed us and penetrated me with his penis, that was trauma. And not far behind that, when Somebody would beat me with an extension cord with 50+ whacks – for the least infraction, that was trauma.
When a husband makes a complaint that his steak wasn’t perfectly medium rare and starts to rant about the price of meat which escalates to yelling how nothing is ever done correctly. He then says he knows how he can get your attention and proceeds to grab your 4-year-old and hangs him by the foot out of the apartment window – that was trauma.
And domestic abuse runs in cycles. At any time a kid can be hung from the window. A gun can be put to a head. Or the kids can be made to sit in a tubful of ice water.
After events such as these, whether once, or over a period of time, it has an effect upon you. You may try to deny it happened by suppressing these horrible events. In reality, what happened to you is going to manifest itself.
One of the symptoms of PTSD is denial. With denial you don’t have to deal with your emotions or the memories. It’s avoidance. Just go to the next thing or another thought. I guess you can say denial was there from the beginning. That was how I made it from elementary to Jr High. To just suppress the thoughts and go forth. Eventually my assessment of the situation required deeper assessment. In reality, as it was happening and afterward, I did suppress. I thought I was too small to fight. I had yet to stop running and sit down and discuss with myself what had happened and then assess my emotions.
What I woulda, shoulda, coulda done, I will say here. Because it may enlighten someone as to what they could do as they go through trauma. That begins with how I felt. I remember wording it at age 9. It was something like, this house is really fucked up. And even when they see whips on me at school, we all know this isn’t right. She and her husband stinks, and I don’t want either of them touching me. I hate being used as a slave and this is just not right and needs to change. What I lacked was action.
But with trauma you doubt yourself. I say don’t doubt yourself for those were the sanest words in that house. The big thing it lacked was action. Then I shoulda, and maybe you should listen to yourself and let your voice override the trauma. Then act on it.
That 9-year-old did doubt herself. I was also heartbroken. You have to know I loved Somebody very much up until the time my mother died and I had to go live with her and maybe that was hard to sort out too.
Before the back bedroom was mine, they burned incense in it. Now whenever I smell it, it triggers all of me and I can vividly remember the abuse and humiliation I suffered. To a penis I didn’t want to see and shitty underwear I didn’t want to wash. Even 50 years later. I can also remember a certain cream sachet my mother use to wear. Whenever I smell it, it immediately takes me back to my childhood. To bicycles, snow cones, and elementary school. Thank God for cool memories. And ugly ones too.
After trauma a victim may exhibit paranoia. Especially after physical and sexual assaults or going through war. You rather stay on high alert to protect yourself and those around you.
Post trauma you may try and suppress the memories so you can go on as before or you may avoid human interaction especially if other people know about the trauma.
One may also forever talk about their trauma, even heroically, to rid themselves of the shock and trauma they feel. This ‘sharing’ gives their interpretation of control.
Post trauma also begets nightmares and unease. Whereas flashbacks are rational and conscious recollections, nightmares and unease are irrational and subconscious influences. A fight at both turns.
PTSD may make a person grapple with sleep. One, because you may have nightmares, and two, it’s when you are at your most vulnerable.