My website is “An Account of Abuse”. It is my account of abuse against me. And although our instances are different, they are the same. We all went through shock shame, distrust mistrust, panic dread, as we struggled to keep a sane disposition. In this writing I will discuss trauma be it physical, emotional or sexual.
I began this website with I was 9 years old when my world changed but I was actually 8 when it began to. I remember my mother was in the hospital when I began to act out in school. It was on the level of me talking back to the teacher and not sitting in my seat. So Mrs. Christianson wanted to speak to someone from my household. So that girl cousin that came to live with us went up there. Mrs. C. told her she knew my mother was in the hospital and maybe that was the reason for my unruliness. Girl cousin assured her that wasn’t an excuse and for my misbehaving and things would get better. People go to the hospital all the time and then come home. Surely, I had nothing to worry about.
And I was still 8 years old when we had to move. The homes we live in are attached to our well-being. And when you move you are up-rooted. Stressors for sure but in the innocence of youth I didn’t yet consider my life stressful. I was a kid; I didn’t consider much. I’ll equate it to joining the army, the service for it was my first time leaving home. And although I knew people in the barracks, I was a little out of my element. Its akin to meeting someone you are going to date for the first time. At this point, no antennae of negativity are raising but things are changing.
Deep Stress Entering Trauma
My mother passed. And the house’s inhabitants moved again. Cousins went with cousins. My brothers went with my brother. Me, I went with Somebody who had 2 babies. This is where at the age of 9, I entered Boot Camp. On an advertisement for the service, one of the commercial’s says, “We do more by 9am than most people do all day. Well at the age of 9, I did more all day than most women.
Somebody already had her apt with her husband and children but she and my oldest brother moved into the same building. It was there that I had to change diapers, make baby formula, wash boo-boo underwear, clean the kitchen, sweep and mop, take wet clothes to the laundry and take the garbage out. And although she went shopping once a month, I had to do the marketing in the neighborhood stores for the needs of her family. And if her children needed a sandwich or glass of water, I was called for that too.
At first, I protested and tried to stand up for myself but she was 9 years older and 200 lbs heavier. I was met with blistering pinches from her very sharp fingernails or a whipping for not completing a task to her liking. Yeah, Boot Camp. Hut, 2,3,4. In the service you have to get in shape for things to come. To carry a comrade to safety, or dig a trench 4feet deep and a mile long, or even to build abridge to get to the next fight. I was being groomed for something mush sinister.
And some spouses enter Boot Camp too. It may begin with 3 buttons being buttoned on a cleaned shirt instead of 4 like they want it. Or a bloody nose because there were peas with the potatoes and not carrots. Or don’t go over to our mothers unless they take you for your home is there now. AND what were you doing in those 30 minutes it took you to go to the store to buy dinner and who were you doing it with. And if you go AWOL, the sentence is death.
Stress – mental or emotional strain or tension
Trauma – an event that causes a lot of stress, it brings with it a sense of horror
Traumatized – Subject to lasting shock as a result of an emotionally disturbing experience(s) or physical injury.
Next – Entering Traumatized
To be Continued Sept 5th